I tried to write on Saturday and again on Sunday, but the words wouldn’t come in a reasonable manner. That only makes sense, I suppose. I was back in Huntsville, TX and back at Sam Houston State University. The place where I began my “grown-up” life when I was only 17 in the fall of 1979.
It’s also the home of my two oldest “children”. They are seniors at SHSU. We drove up to help them settle back in after a summer break with us. They are adults and could have done it on their own (probably), but we’re pretty close as family goes and so, we went.
Going to Huntsville is weird. I just can’t think of a better word to describe it. It’s where I first lived on my own, where I met my hubby, where I did all the “growing up” stuff you do as a young adult. Huntsville hasn’t changed all that much. Everything is still in pretty much the same place. Everywhere is a memory.
Everywhere is a memory. I believe that this trip was so difficult because I’ve begun this journey of mine: the blogging, the facing of fears, the challenges to be “more”, and the desire to be more intentional.
As a result of some issues in my childhood, I tend to close the door on the past and move on. We moved every year when I was a child. There was never enough time to develop close friendships and never seemed to be any point in attempting to maintain them. You lived in the present, the past was over and done with. As a result, I still have trouble maintaining friendships with folks I don’t see regularly: people I meet at a retreat, in a group that meets sporadically, or even family that live far away. It can limit your community. It limits my community.
Driving into Huntsville mixes the past and the present. It confuses my idea of who I am now with the person I was then. Of course, that person still exists within me, but I don’t think of her very often. I lost touch and didn’t maintain the relationship. And that relationship is important. It helps me see where I started, how I’ve grown and whether I’m on the road to where I want to be.
As I reread this, I’m not sure that it makes sense although it has improved from my previous efforts this weekend. My thoughts are in chaos as memories of past decisions encounter the current results. I met and married my husband at SHSU and our children are students walking the same paths we did. I received BAs in Art and Creative Writing there in 1982 and gave up the practice of both until recently. I had good friend there that I totally lost touch with. Its hard to jump back in time to find yourself face to face with a younger self and realize the amount of time that has passed.
I don’t mean to sound as if I have a life full of regrets. On the contrary, I embrace the decisions that I’ve made (for the most part). The best decision of my life was the one to marry my husband and I couldn’t be prouder of my children. Even if I could, I don’t believe that I would change anything.
I do need to set the time-line of my life back in balance, if you will. I think I’ll spend some time looking at old photos. And, coincidentally, I need to do a journal page for the Get Messy Art Journal group that shows who I am without using an actual photo. Or maybe it’s not a coincidence. Sounds like good timing to me!