But, I’ve been feeling pretty sad. Not because of anything in particular that’s happened. Just sad.
And when I get sad, I get quiet. Until I’m not quiet and then I’m normally yelling and screaming about whatever is really bothering me. The thing that even I didn’t realize was bothering me. Until I started yelling.
Mental illness, crazy, anxiety, depression, chemical imbalance…I don’t care what it is called. Labels don’t matter. The ups and downs are what is frustrating. My family looking at me with concern…walking on eggshells until the yelling part hits. Not knowing what might trigger the outburst. Days where I’m “together” woman followed by days when I just want to take a nap…all day.
It has gotten better….way better. I’ve had some pretty magnificent mood swings in the past.
But there has to be a better way. A way to work through whatever is going on without the yelling. (Not that yelling isn’t appropriate sometimes…toilet paper on the bathroom counter instead of on the toilet paper dispenser thingie, for instance.)
What might be bothering me?
The house. I’m still doing the “20” list. I’ve even taken it a step further. I assigned each room(s) a day of the week and then I actually typed out a general list of what should be done in each room to pull it together. That daily list gets copied over to my “20” list each morning.
I didn’t use to be a totally disorganized person. Now, I find that I can be easily distracted by something (anything that I’d rather be doing than housework). Then I realize a couple of weeks have gone by and I never got around to dusting the living room (for example). Or, I’ll open the fridge and gaze upon a science fair project. That would actually work for us since we homeschool, but is probably not a good idea on a regular basis.
Having a list gives me focus and the satisfaction of crossing a completed item off the list. And last night, the kitchen looked great. Family even washed their own dishes at the end of the evening instead of piling them in the already towering pile.
As I’m writing, I’m thinking about other things that have been going on lately. The house is what I’ve talked about mostly, but there have been other things as well. I think the house is just representative of how I feel my life is going. It’s just a glaringly visible picture of how the inside of my “head” feels. Of how “out of control” my life seems right now.
And this blog is one of the places I’ve been working things out for myself. I’m not okay with things being just okay anymore. I want GREAT! A great life. Not “a drifting along with the current” life. I want to make choices that change things for the better. If I don’t know how to fix a problem, I want to have the courage to figure out how to do so. And, if I problem truly doesn’t have a solution, I want the strength to ride it out.
The house isn’t the whole problem. It’s a symptom.
And I’m glad I started writing here today because I feel a lot better. Laying things out in black & white is good for a visual person like myself.
Just to keep the “positive” mood going – here is a gratitude list for today.
- The kitchen is clean!
- Our chicks are happy and healthy in their new completed coop my family built.
- I have two art projects going.
- Our trash can is less than half full because we started recycling again.
- Our second car is paid off because of a new part-time job.
- I got 15,000 steps on my fitbit yesterday.
- I don’t have a huge pile of lost socks anymore.
- My whole family will be together under one roof tomorrow night.
- I am reading a book just for fun.
- I have 3 full boxes to donate to the thrift store.
- We have enough food ’til payday (and some after that).
- I wrote this blog post and I feel better.