Just write

IMAG0799So, I haven’t written here in a couple of days.  It’s not because I’ve been too busy.  Just my normal busy.

But, I’ve been feeling pretty sad.  Not because of anything in particular that’s happened.  Just sad.

And when I get sad, I get quiet.   Until I’m not quiet and then I’m normally yelling and screaming about whatever is really bothering me.  The thing that even I didn’t realize was bothering me.  Until I started yelling.

Mental illness, crazy, anxiety, depression, chemical imbalance…I don’t care what it is called.  Labels don’t matter.  The ups and downs are what is frustrating.  My family looking at me with concern…walking on eggshells until the yelling part hits.  Not knowing what might trigger the outburst. Days where I’m “together” woman followed by days when I just want to take a nap…all day.

It has gotten better….way better.  I’ve had some pretty magnificent mood swings in the past.

But there has to be a better way.  A way to work through whatever is going on without the yelling.  (Not that yelling isn’t appropriate sometimes…toilet paper on the bathroom counter instead of on the toilet paper dispenser thingie, for instance.)

What might be bothering me?

The house.  I’m still doing the “20” list.  I’ve even taken it a step further.  I assigned each room(s) a day of the week and then I actually typed out a general list of what should be done in each room to pull it together.  That daily list gets copied over to my “20” list each morning. IMAG0795IMAG0796 (1)

I didn’t use to be a totally disorganized person.  Now, I find that I can be easily distracted by something (anything that I’d rather be doing than housework).  Then I realize a couple of weeks have gone by and I never got around to dusting the living room (for example).  Or, I’ll open the fridge and gaze upon a science fair project.  That would actually work for us since we homeschool, but is probably not a good idea on a regular basis.

Having a list gives me focus and the satisfaction of crossing a completed item off the list.  And last night, the kitchen looked great.  Family even washed their own dishes at the end of the evening instead of piling them in the already towering pile.

As I’m writing, I’m thinking about other things that have been going on lately.  The house is what I’ve talked about mostly, but there have been other things as well.  I think the house is just representative of how I feel my life is going.  It’s just a glaringly visible picture of how the inside of my “head” feels.  Of how “out of control” my life seems right now.

And this blog is one of the places I’ve been working things out for myself.  I’m not okay with things being just okay anymore.  I want GREAT!  A great life.  Not “a drifting along with the current” life.  I want to make choices that change things for the better. If I don’t know how to fix a problem, I want to have the courage to figure out how to do so.  And, if I problem truly doesn’t have a solution, I want the strength to ride it out.

The house isn’t the whole problem.  It’s a symptom.

And I’m glad I started writing here today because I feel a lot better.  Laying things out in black & white is good for a visual person like myself.

Just to keep the “positive” mood going – here is a gratitude list for today.

  1. The kitchen is clean!
  2. Our chicks are happy and healthy in their new completed coop my family built.
  3. I have two art projects going.
  4. Our trash can is less than half full because we started recycling again.
  5. Our second car is paid off because of a new part-time job.
  6. I got 15,000 steps on my fitbit yesterday.
  7. I don’t have a huge pile of lost socks anymore.
  8. My whole family will be together under one roof tomorrow night.
  9. I am reading a book just for fun.
  10. I have 3 full boxes to donate to the thrift store.
  11. We have enough food ’til payday (and some after that).
  12. I wrote this blog post and I feel better.
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8 thoughts on “Just write

  1. I found your blog the other day. I was not surprised to see it. I remember a young girl becoming a woman who always thought of things. Your blog today reminds me if life gone hookie for a bit. I see that greatness in your mind working and it makes me smile. I always knew you would be artistic. Everyday I tell myself life jost goes on. Some days I’m in it and others I just wander through it. I appreciate what you wrote.

    1. So good to hear from you. Such a sweet comment. You know I think of you every time I go to Sonic! I remember when Donna first got a Sonic and how excited we were. Then you got a job there. Losing touch with you and other friends from high school has always been a regret of mine. I was just so eager to get away from home and start a new life. Those high school years were hard for me. Your friendship meant a great deal to me. High school was the first time I ever spent more than a year in one school. We moved so much and making/keeping friends was strange and hard for me. Let’s keep in touch!

  2. I am resisting the list, but I know it is what I need to do. Sometimes I can be so stubborn.
    PS “The Change” is kicking my proverbial butt. Focus is a distant memory. I need the list. So proud of you. Keep going, I am right behind you!

    1. “the list” is proving to be a life-saver. I’ve had a crazy busy week where I haven’t been home for more than 20 minutes a day awake. Just going, going, going. Today when it finally slowed down, I looked around and thought…where do I start? I just went to the list and started on today and didn’t worry about what I’d missed all week. What a relief to not have to worry about it all!

  3. This homeschool life will make anyone a tad crazy. The multitude of open ‘windows’ in my mind’s computer, the clutter, the lack of time to do it all. Makes me tired just thinking about it.

    The list, when I make it, definitely helps clear the hoarder’s mess of my mind. I need to make one each and every day.

    I love your honesty, Kelly. Keep on and know you’re not alone! Grace and peace to you today. 🙂

      1. You can steal it! I often use that term to explain to my husband where my head is at—“too many windows open” or “I need to close that window”. And you are so right, the more windows I have open, the slower my system works…Okay, I think I will write a post about this… 😉

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