Hmmmm…been a long time away from here and it is ever so hard to start writing again. Lots has happened and there is a small component of guilt as well. The perfectionist in me struggles with not doing everything well…if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all… That’s the “old” me, or rather the me that I’m trying to outgrow. But old habits die hard – especially if we stop paying close attention and start living on autopilot…
…which is what I’ve found myself doing a lot of lately.
I simply stopped looking for the joy.
Honestly it’s not been the summer that I dreamed about – full of fun, memory making activities and lots of restful time to prepare for the school year ahead. It started off well enough, but somehow snowballed into one challenge after another.
But there was plenty of joy to be found. It all depends on how I choose to look at it.
We did get our back mortgage caught up with all of it’s late charges! Without a doubt that was a joyful thing indeed. And we’ve been working through the Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover so I even managed to set up our emergency fund.
The dryer died. Dead. It’s been coming on for a while. Remember the crazy noise and the on-line repair tutorials. Not this time. Thank goodness for that emergency fund, right?
Then the thermostat started going out on the oven. Guessing temperatures, anyone? Hubby found a great deal on one at work. A great deal! Okay, we’ve got the emergency fund and we need an oven. Done.
Then…the BIG one. The “what-the-hell did I do wrong to deserve this crap” break-down. Our central air-conditioning unit quits working. In August. In Central Texas. Three service calls and estimates later, we have a price for replacement. The general consensus is that it can’t be fixed as it’s over 10 years old and is beyond repair. Cost: around $7000.00. No emergency fund for that, my friend. We’re “camping in a few rooms of our house with some loaner portable A/C units.
Then, there’s the vacation at the beach that came with it’s own set of issues. Two car break-downs that resulted in repairs and a trailer rental to haul one home. A trip to the minor-emergency clinic and a case of bronchitis that turned into an asthma diagnosis, and…. Well, you get the picture. A vacation to remember, right?
But, that’s where the title of this story comes into play. “Choosing to look for the joy”. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been in a bit of a depressed mood. (That may be an understatement) I haven’t been choosing to look for the joy. I’ve been sad. I’ve been “down”. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. I’ve wondered where you can turn in a resignation letter to life and just quit.
Then…yesterday, this story start writing itself in my head. And I stared seeing the bits of joy that have happened this summer. Quiet moments for the most part. They didn’t shout out their arrival like the A/C breakdown did. The joy just sort of happened and waited for me to notice – and appreciate. I just got so busy running from one problem to another and worrying that I never stopped to be grateful for the good stuff.
Bad stuff has happened aplenty this summer. Lots more than I’ve shared here.
But…here’s a small listing of the joy that’s come along for the ride…
- a solid roof over our heads to shelter us and a caught-up mortgage to keep it over our heads
- new knowledge about money management that I am sharing with my kids so that their life can be easier and they can learn from my mistakes. Knowledge can be powerful.
- Health insurance that made medical care available for us when we needed it.
- The most beautiful beach weather I’ve seen in all the years we’ve been going to Corpus Christi. Calm winds, bright skies, moderate temperatures, no seaweed, and clear, clear water.
- A lovely card in the mail from someone I’ve never met in person, but who sensed that I need some love
- A new, part-time teaching job at a private school close to home. I’m teaching art once a week and am already in love with my kids. Such talent and enthusiasm!
- Friends that have been there along the way and have helped out when we need a helping hand.
- A successful first week of school for us. One week in and we are only two days “behind” schedule.
- A fun field trip to the art museum that included my hubby.
- Children who are finding their own way in this “big ole world” – making decisions, making mistakes, trying new things and discovering their own joy.
It does seem that life has been “one step forward and two steps back” for too long around here. So many things are broken and need to be fixed (literally and figuratively). I get tired. It can seem hopeless. And pointless. Like I said, I can’t figure out where to turn in my resignation…to life.
But, I don’t have a lot of “quit” in me. And, I’m not going to “plod” through one step at a time.
I am going to take it one step at a time, but I’m going to choose to “step lightly”. I’m going to look for the joy…I’m going to search for it. I’m going to do whatever it takes to find it.
This is the life that I have. I am grateful for it. I’m going to choose to look for the joy.
3 thoughts on “Choosing to look for the joy”
Thank you for sharing. It’s so hard to share the imperfections. But it is cathartic. I’m realizing that so much of happiness is how I look at things. I have found great insight with The Work of Byron Katie. My thoughts do create my universe. With the passing of Wayne Dyer this week, I am reminded of his idea that you’ll “see it when you believe it” (the opposite of the old adage). And I’m learning that my suffering is because of my thoughts, not my situation. It’s what I think about my situation that gets me to sadness, frustration or anger. I’m learning to be intentional in my thoughts to prevent as much suffering as possible. It’s a daily practice and not always easy but it is happening.
I wish you all the joy you can handle!
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Thank you for your comment. It is helpful. Sorry I’ve taken so long to acknowledge it. I’ve taken a break from the internet (rather unintentional). I’ve just had to focus on my little real world for a while, just to try and get through. It’s interesting how one can KNOW something in their head, but not apply it well to their reality. What I mean is, I know things are okay and that I am truly blessed compared to most in this world, my heart is still heavy and I struggle with the difficulties and challenges that I am facing. This is one of the worst bouts of depression that I’ve ever dealt with. I bet most people (who don’t live with me) wouldn’t even notice, but the struggle has been real. You are right, it is my thoughts and not my situation. Still hard. Thank you for connecting and sharing. I do appreciate it!