Being alone on a Sunday is becoming a regular thing. Everyone is off at work or a friend’s house. I’m not complaining – I love my family, but I am probably a loner by nature and this is nice. Nice and quiet.
I’d like to be curled up under a comforter reading a book checked out from the library – bassets snoring at my feet. I could be doing that, but I have a goal-directed mission. I want sustainable “peace”. Not just the kind that can happen when circumstances allow me to be alone, but the kind of peace that can exist when real life is going on. Undone projects, dishes, laundry and piles of belongings aren’t conducive to peace. They are distracting and prevent me from focusing on what is really important.
So, I am cycling between the kitchen sink, the laundry room, piles of old business documents to shred, and clearing counters.
Do I love it, do I need it, can it go…these questions are also cycling through my head. And a new question that I’m trying out. Should it stay? I’ll often come across an item and think “that might be able to go”. Instead of making a decision, I leave it where it is. Inevitably I’ll come back to it and donate it. Why the hesitation? I’m learning to listen to that little voice. In my heart, I know where I want it to go. In my head, I’m still dealing with fear. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of – not having enough? Not having the “right” stuff? Not having a “good enough” house? Not being good enough? The answers will come in time. I have to believe that.
The journey is purposeful (and difficult). Finding out who I am authentically. Listening to my heart and tuning out the part of me that longs for acceptance and validation from the world. Learning to be comfortable with my decisions. Making choices that are best for me and the ones that I love.
It’s a new month and the beginning of a new week. What opportunities lie ahead? What can I accomplish? Those questions cause some anxiety to be sure. My heart starts to race a bit. I can feel the tears begin to form. Those are signs that I’m heading in the right direction. I no longer turn away from that anxiety. It means that I am heading into new territory. Fear is a necessary component of growth for me. I must walk right into it and not shy away. The old, comfortable situations aren’t working for me. They haven’t worked for a long time. If this sounds a bit melodramatic, so be it. I’m ready for drastic change.
So, a new month, a new day…a continued journey. Bring it on!