This post might seem to be a little bit of a downer, but that’s okay because that’s where I am right now. But don’t worry and don’t despair because I still believe that everything is getting better – or will be getting better. I’m not feeling that totally optimistic thing just now.
My last writings found me discoursing on the new and improved 2016 plan – turn your can’t into can and your dreams into plans – henceforth we shall refer to this simply as “living the dream”. A little cliché and flippant perhaps, but it’s hard to negotiate around the longer version every time it’s referenced.
“Living the dream” has a double meaning for me. In fits of despair (and rage) I’ve been heard to call this phrase out in a sarcastic manner. As in, standing in a grand pile of dirty laundry and dishes holding testament to dinners past and screaming out, “Yep, I’m living the dream now!”.
The truth is I feel as if I’m slowly shrinking and disappearing under the weight of mundane reality. Literally becoming lost in the morass of responsibility and stuff that needs to be done. I read blogs of folks who’ve pitched it all and are traveling the world. I read blogs of people who are creating amazing bodies of work. I read blogs of those who appear to have it all. And I read blogs of others, like me, who are searching and holding onto the edge of the “pit” and trying to crawl out into a better life.
Please don’t misunderstand. I have a good life. I love my family. I’m grateful for a home, food on the table, clothes to wear – abundance that most of the world will never know. A good life. I don’t take it for granted. I appreciate how hard my husband works to support us. I’m blessed.
And, after reading back over what I’ve written thus far, I’m tempted to delete it and start over. But I won’t. I don’t want to edit my life in that manner. It’s possible for all of what I’ve written to be true – to be blessed and lost at the same time. To have what you need and a lot of what you want and to still feel as if a great deal is missing.
And so, 2016 has begun. It’s been a bit of a struggle thus far. I’ve made the decision to increase my anti-anxiety meds. That was a hard choice. In my perfect world, I wouldn’t need any meds at all. But, there it is. I don’t live in perfect.
I’m committed to the journey though, so more meds it is. I need a clear head and clear vision to maintain the dream. Dreams are often contrary and illusionary things. They tend to fade and float away out of reach if you don’t keep an eye on them.
The first project for the month of January has been decided and planned. We are going to work on my studio. It has moved and morphed and changed over the years, yet never felt “just right”. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to have the studio that you are supposed to have. This design was often based on what other folk’s studios looked like. No more. I’ve spent hours thinking about and imagining what I want “MY” studio to look like. Pictures and updates to follow as dreams turn into plans and plans turn into reality.
The studio was chosen as the first project because I want art to take a more prominent role in my life. It’s a part of who I am and I often choose to move it to a back-burner and neglect it. It’s not just me that suffers when this happens. I’m not happy when I’m not making stuff. I get angry and bitter and negative. I believe that this project will set the tone for a more positive and creative year – for me and for my family.
So much is changing around here. The kids are growing and grown. They are in and out busily growing into their own lives. The little one is still here, but not so little anymore. The time feels right for growth in my own life as well.
Perhaps I’m not disappearing at all. Maybe I’ve just been a bit dormant waiting for the right time to grow.