I have a plan, you know. Really, I have more than one plan – I’ve got lots of plans – and some of them might even work.
There’s the plan where I make a list of everything that needs to be done to get a room in my house pulled together, and I assign a day of the week to each room, and every room in my house is cleaned every week, and my house is always in tip-top shape. Yea, that worked. When I kept up with it. If there were no unscheduled things to do like doctor’s appointments or anxiety-filled days or illness or bad moods or…..
There’s the plan where I walk every day and eat lots of veggies and fruit. I maintain an awareness that I need to lose more weight and keep up with the healthy lifestyle because I have high blood pressure and anxiety and am at risk for developing diabetes. I feel better, am in a better mood and don’t want to sleep all the time. But….
There’s the plan where I keep decluttering my life and don’t have piles of unnecessary crap lying around that I need to deal with. The stuff that makes me walk in my front door and sigh. This plan involves getting rid of stuff that I might need “someday” because I want to be living now…
There’s the plan where I re-do my studio and start taking my creative needs seriously and make art – a lot…every day because it’s important and I should make time for what’s important to me.
There’s more, but if you read this blog occasionally you already know all this.
I’m not going to be too hard on myself (or try not to). I have been working on all these things. Tons of stuff has left the house. I’m much more careful about what comes in. We are working on the house. In general, the house if more manageable. Things are better.
And I’m still frustrated.
And yesterday, I read this post from one of my favorite blogs entitled “Why Saying You Want to Change is Not Enough”.
I get points for having a plan(s).
I lose points for expecting change to happen when I’m not actually acting on the plan(s).
I’m learning not to keep score so much.
I’m glad I read the damn post. I’m not glad that I had become complacent and started thinking that the plans were enough.
I quit working on the plans and got stressed and anxious and ended up in that never-ending cycle that ends up with me not liking myself very much (because I’m a complete and utter failure at life and everything else).
The article reminded me that I’m okay. Really good at a couple of things. Okay at quite a few more and not so good at some stuff. I do have a plan (or two).
Sometimes I lose motivation. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I’m not actually doing what I’ve planned to do.
I’ve taken the first steps of my journey. I just need to keep traveling.
And most importantly for me: stopping to rest a bit along the way is okay. I’m doing okay. I’m making progress. I’m not super-woman. Just me. Just trying to be the best me I can be. Screwing up along the way. Having good days and bad days. Doing stuff right sometimes and other times…not so much.
I’ve got a plan and that’s a move in the right direction.