Some days the world is a sunny place – regardless of the weather or the circumstances or the realities of existence.
Some days it rains – whether water actually falls from the sky or not.
On the sunny days, anything seems possible. I can handle it all. Bring it on world….taking care of a household, teaching an art class, figuring out Latin homework, relearning division, waving good-bye as my kids go out into the scary, bad world alone, training a spastic, brain-damaged dog to be sociable, working two other part-time jobs, being there for my sister as she recovers from surgery, laughing off the 20 pounds I’ve put back on over the summer and being a patient and supportive listener.
And then there’s the morning I wake up, and from the very start of the day, it’s all too much. The smallest thing triggers tears and the urge to crawl back into bed with the covers pulled over my head. Everything seems to be moving too fast and I’m moving too slow. I’d give anything for a “pause” button so that I could gain my footing.
When anyone speaks to me, I hear disappointment in their voice. Their awareness that I’m just not up to the task. That I’m falling short.
It’s not really their voice I’m hearing though, is it? It’s my inner voice. I’m disappointed in myself. Yesterday, I could handle this. Today, not so much.
What’s the difference in yesterday and today? Good question. My anxiety disorder? Depression? A good night’s sleep? I’ve got nothing in the way of an answer.
I’ve been told that I’m my own harshest critic. That’s probably true. Being kind to a stranger is pretty easy for me. Cutting myself some slack is much more challenging.
Maybe that needs to go on the list of things to do. Learn to be nicer to myself. Be kinder and more understanding that some days are harder than others. Tell myself that I’m doing the best I can and to take a deep breath. But not today. I’m not adding anything more to today’s to-do list. I’m done with today.
I’m going to go wrap up in a blanket and listen to the rain fall.
P.S. Just one more thing. Tomorrow, when you hear that little voice whispering that you messed up, that you haven’t done enough, that there’s too much to-do…when you feel overwhelmed…hear these words…
I think you’re doing okay. That you are doing the best that you can. And it’s enough. The world is a better place with you in it. And the sun will come back out.