Can I have a do-over for today, please? Just press a rewind button and try it again. I promise I’ll do a better job.
I’ll be more patient and understanding with those that I love. I won’t say (or yell) ugly words that I can’t unsay and that linger in the air between us.
I’ll start working on homework with my sweet girl earlier and we’ll just be frustrated together over our slow progress in getting caught up. Maybe that way she won’t think she’s stupid as she struggles with math (even though she is working through some really hard problems that are grade levels above what she could do just a month ago). We’ll take more breaks and not push so hard and just do the best we can and that will be good enough.
I won’t get angry at everyone else because I’m feeling guilty that I wasn’t a better caretaker for my sister and because I feel so alone and tired even though people are being supportive.
I’ll just generally be a kinder person and even try to be nicer to myself although I don’t feel like I deserve it.
And I won’t write this blog post because it sounds like I’m whining and feeling sorry for myself.
Because I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m feeling sorry that all I have to offer the people I love is an apology.
And “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem like enough.
There aren’t really any words that can fix today.
And I can’t wind back the clock and start over.
All I can do is try again tomorrow.
I’ll wake up and start a new day. I’ll send my daughter off to school with a hug and love. I’ll go to work. I’ll visit my sister in the I.C.U. at the hospital. I’ll try to remember to pack my husband a lunch to send with him to work. I’ll pick up my daughter from school. We’ll try to catch up some more school.
I’ll do all the things that need to be done or more likely some of the things that need to be done.
And I’ll have another chance to do a better job of it.