I sit in the doctor’s office and tell her about my issues with my vision and make excuses for why I haven’t come in sooner to explore the possible medical issues like I was supposed to.
She says, “You are here now.”
I sit in the doctor’s office and list the stressful events of the past six months and then try to apologize for why I haven’t handled things better.
She says, “You are obviously under a great deal of stress. Let’s work on fixing that.”
I sit in the doctor’s office and cry because I feel lost and wonder where I went wrong and when I lost control of everything.
She asks, “When were you in control?”
Now, I’ve done lab work, have new prescriptions and an order for a MRI of my brain.
That will all be helpful and will give us some new information and possibly provide some answers, and maybe even fix some things that need fixing.
I sit at this computer and hesitate to write because it doesn’t seem that I have anything worth saying anymore and I can’t imagine that any worthwhile words will come.
It seems that I have reached a point somewhat near the bottom where it is dark and hope seems difficult to see from where I sit.
I am lost.
Although this line of prose appears directly below the words “I am lost”, a considerable amount of time has passed before this line was typed.
A copious whirlwind of thoughts are churning in my brain, but it is not so easy to sort out cohesive and coherent ones to share.
It’s kind of messy up there in my head right now.
It seems that I should write even though I don’t know that I have anything to say.
Having started this blog, I feel that I should stick with it.
Worrying about the reception of my words seems to be a dangerous path to venture down.
My writing has taken on a life of its own and reaches a diverse audience that I could not have anticipated, and in fact, do not even attempt to understand.
I have to believe that writing today is the thing to do.
If I am lost today, then maybe someone else is also.
I know that our stories are important.
Our voices connect us and keep us from feeling alone.
When we are lost, the words of others can help us find our way again.
And despite the somewhat wandering and depressed tone of this post today…
in the words often shared by an important person in my life,
“Be not afraid”.
I have been in the dark before.
I have been lost before.
Life has ups and downs.
Mountains and valleys.
The important thing is to keep walking.
You can’t stay in one place.
That is not living.
For now, I can quit making lists of what needs to be done.
That is not helpful.
It is not time to catch up on all that is undone.
That is the past.
It is time to seek that which is ahead of me.
To search for the things in the light…
Love and laughter and forgiveness and hope.
4 thoughts on “Lost”
You are beautiful. You are smart. You are kind. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is valued. Blessings to you.
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I guess there is a purpose to the meditation- one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.
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I hope as you de-stress you find eye problems clearing. I have a friend who recently got a sty in her eye and was losing vision – she’s had two changes of glasses in the last year. The doc says to wait for the sty to heal before they get a third set of glasses on order… And she just lost a baby at 2 months into her pregnancy. Now that she’s recovering from that, her stress level is dropping, the eye is healing, and she’s finding time for the truly important.
In the end, all any of us really has to do is breathe. (And some of us also have to write!) 🙂