where have I been?
Those are good questions.
And I have some answers, but not nearly all the answers.
Let’s keep it simple…
Messy, glorious, heart-breaking life in all it’s wonder.
Right now, I am sitting here attempting to write, but mostly watching my flock of chickens scratch in the falling leaves outside my window.
It occurs to me that it might be easier to be a chicken. Their lives are definitely less complicated than human ones.
The complications can be challenging and sometimes even soul-crushing. Life can beat you down until you just don’t think you can handle one more thing.
Your brain is filled to bursting with things to do and things to solve and things to figure out and your heart is empty because you are all used up.
That, my friends is anxiety and depression in a nutshell.
There is too much and not enough at the same time.
So you just quit living everyday life and start reacting to this thing and the next thing.
And living the life of a chicken starts looking pretty good.
But, deep down I know that I don’t want to be a chicken.
I want to tough it out and live my life.
I want to live through the pain and know that the joy is coming.
I want to find gratitude in the midst of things its hard to be grateful for. I know it’s there…somewhere.
I want to figure things out and find the solution and not let the problem defeat me.
This has been a really, really hard year in a lot of ways (and I’m not even factoring all the stuff going on out there in the world)
It’s tempting to focus on the hard stuff and conclude that this is a “bad” year.
This has been a really, really good year in a lot of way…
Today, I wrote a list of all the good stuff that has happened this year and I realized that this is just a year…like all years are.
Years can’t be bad or good. They just are. A chronological succession of day that come and go…
The list included the “good” and the “bad”.
I found that most of the good was a direct result of the bad.
The “bad” stuff prompted me (and my family) to:
focus on simplifying our life by decluttering
spend less money and redefine our spending habits…our needs versus our wants
grow closer to extended family that we didn’t make time for before
build a closer immediate family unit
get better about asking for help for problem solving rather than going it alone
spend less time with outside distractions by limiting our information inflow (news, etc.)
spend way more time outside gardening and walking or just sitting and talking
It’s taken a lot of work to find gratitude in the midst of some pretty serious crap going on in my life and I’m sure that the work is not nearly done. I’m sure there will be a significant number of reactionary days rather the more productive and healthy “action” days.
I’m going to try and remember that I’m better off being me than being a chicken.
The complications are worth the effort.
One thought on “what happened?”
When my overwhelm kicks, I used to always just want to be a piece of furniture. Preferably a chair.
But I like the idea of a chicken life. Or maybe I should just go to the source and wish to be a tree.