Life is too short for bent and dull sewing pins, fabric I no longer love and dried up paint. I could add a hundred and one other things to this list and never even leave my studio.
I’ve decided that it all comes down to FEAR and it’s constant companion ANXIETY. There is no simple button to press and make those two disappear from my life. I just need to continue to work towards a peaceful home where we can exist together harmoniously.
That’s where I have been for the past couple of days. Not for long periods of time, but little visits so I can work out a way to want to be in there…
To make stuff again.
I’ve identified two specific things that I fear with regards to that room:
Fear of getting rid of things because I might need them someday and the accompanying fear of using things because then I won’t have it and it might work better in another future project…
and that hypothetical scenario leads to the next fear…
Fear that anything I make won’t be “good enough”. I can’t even explain that one.
Is it a fear of someone else’s opinion? Maybe a “real” artist judging what I’ve made or…
Am I really just afraid of my own inner critic?
– that voice that does such a good job of telling me that “I can’t”
In any event, the result of this fear is that I’ve become more of a collector of possibilities rather than a creator of them.
I have fabric, canvases, paint, brushes, ephemera, stamps, ink, adhesives, buttons, threads, jars of fascinating little things, pencils, pens, paper and more paper and a hundred and one other things. All of this was purchased, found and gifted to me because of it’s potential to become something more.
I’ve even collected quotes about creativity…
But I’ve made enough lists for today.
I have fewer responsibilities to use as excuses.
Today, I have decided to start a summer journal project and publicly declare it’s existence.
Fifty-seven journal pages this summer.
One for every year that I’ve been alive.
Instead of saying that I want to make stuff over and over again, I’m going to make stuff.
Make pages with no excuses or apologies for what they look like or don’t.
Process, not product…
Along the way, I’m going to get rid of anything taking up space in there that doesn’t work for who I am now as an artist.
starting right now!
I’ve worked on the canvases.
They aren’t done yet, but I have gone and gotten a new phone, cooked part of Easter dinner, thought about cleaning house and bathed a dog.
I also played games with the family, took a nap, cleaned two offices and am writing this blog post.
So, this weekend was not a total loss.
I’ve spent a considerable amount of time thinking about working on the canvases while doing other things I didn’t actually want to be doing.
But, to be honest, when I was doing the fun stuff, I didn’t think about them much at all.
They aren’t going in the in the declutter box as I’d previously threatened if I didn’t finish them this weekend. I will get them done.
But, I also going to start filling up a box with stuff I don’t need anymore. Not the above pictured box (that’s just a picture of one off of the internet). I have an actual box that I’m going to fill up. That just makes more sense to me…filling up a real box.
It appears that I’m really getting my life together. I have a plan and everything.
Life is good.
Last night I was avoiding cleaning my studio.
It’s been a cluttered mess lately and while a bit of untidiness may be the sign of a creative mind (or something like that), it does reach a point where enough is enough.
One avoidance technique was browsing through my entire blog history to see whether I was actually making any positive progress as I’ve professed to be attempting.
And I stumbled upon this picture and post from September of 2015.
I’ve had these little canvases for a while. I bought them for another project that hasn’t happened yet. They were just sitting on my shelf and looked lonely. I’ve started just painting them – and then repainting them – and then layering some more paint. Now I’ve started sticking on the dried paint scrapings from my desk. They are becoming quite heavy and textural.
Why? I don’t know yet. I suppose they’ll let me know when it is time…
But sometimes, I’m not sure that I’m an artist at all. But my middle daughter says that I am an artist and she should know. She will be graduating with her Bachelor of Fine Arts in December. That makes her for sure a “real artist”.
She tells me to make what I enjoy. To do what I like to do and not to worry about it all so much.
I worry nonetheless.
And I procrastinate.
Guess what is now sitting on my desk again?
Somehow (of their own accord) they hid themselves in a box on a shelf in the studio only to reappear as I contemplated a Spring decluttering session for the month of April.
I have made a decision.
It is time – whether those canvases are ready or not.
They shall be turned into some semblance of a creative project that may even resemble art by the end of the weekend or they shall be gone from this house.
And just maybe, I will then dedicate the rest of April working on the rest of the half-started or half-finished projects (depending on how you look at it) hiding themselves in the dusty dark corners of the studio.
And that’s a definitive maybe.
But I really do believe it is time.
“The real enemies of our life are the ‘oughts’ and the ‘ifs’. They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future. But real life takes place in the here and now” – Henri Nouwen
I wanted to put in a garden this year. I had hoped for a greenhouse. I’d planned on building numerous raised beds and filling them with the compost I was making and then planting seeds. I’d intended to have all my existing beds weeded and dug and ready for spring.
There is no greenhouse. Two raised beds are built but not filled with soil. They lean against the side of the house. There are weeds in my garden beds.
I ought to have gotten more done. If I’d gotten these things accomplished, I would be ready for the garden that I had hoped for and envisioned…
But now, today, I have a choice. I can work with what I have here and now and choose to place my seeds into soil…
or leave the seeds
in their packages
in the shoe box
on the shelf
in the cabinet
in the dining room
in the dark
where they will surely not sprout and grow.
How many other aspects of my life does this same thought process apply to?
Brushes not dipped into paint create nothing.
Blog posts not written can’t be read.
Cards not created and mailed can’t be received.
Art cards not imagined, created and shared can’t be found.
How often does my fear of imperfection or failure or rejection keep me from trying?
I have all the “seeds” I need both literally and figuratively…
seeds and soil and canvases and paint and ideas…
I also have fear and anxiety and doubts…
It is my choice to make…
Dwell on the mistakes and rejections of the past?
Anticipate with fear and anxiety the future?
Or do the work of my hands in the here and now with the potential to bring a little hope and beauty and light into the world?
Today I choose to believe in the potential of the seed to sprout and take root and grow and bless the world.
I have a good life.
It’s not perfect (but neither am I).
Sometimes I forget to remember the good things…and I focus on what’s not going the way I want.
I can have unreasonable expectations.
Which is not to say that there are not sometimes reasons to be unhappy and dissatisfied.
But I want to look on the bright side more often and be grateful for all that is good in my little corner of the world.
So, I have made this book out of my handmade paper and I’m going to write down 1,000 things that I am grateful for.
I got the idea from one of the many books that I sorted out to finally read.
Honestly, it wasn’t my favorite book ever. I didn’t read it all the way through. I kind of skipped around and read bits here and there. It had some really good stuff and some simply good stuff and some stuff that was a little too flowery and preachy for me. For now it will stay on my shelf because it has a bird on the cover and I really like birds.
Still, it was worth browsing through for the idea a making a list of stuff I’m grateful for.
A thousand things is a lot.
We’ll see how it goes…I’ve gotten to 42 without too much effort.
I’ll keep you posted.
Until then, I hope your day finds you with things to be grateful for…
Can’t sleep Saturday night and now it is Sunday morning.
Most of my world is sleeping and will awaken with the sun.
Pulling out a canvas…adding a bit of this and removing a bit of that.
Becoming frustrated and putting it to one side.
Pulling another one off of the top of the stack.
Determined to make something happen.
To actually finish something and not to walk away…giving in and giving up once again.
Then, I am staring at these two works in progress that were once two singular blank canvases…
Two canvases that, in turn, were painted and repainted, laid aside, placed back on the easel, a brush stroke here, a change there…
and now upon study and contemplation in these early morning hours have suddenly and quite obviously become one…
Destined without plan to go together.
A before and after perhaps?
The meaning is still unclear.
The symbolism still to evolve into something real or at least understood.
But it appears that tonight I am staring at two moons that are staring back at me…
for the sun and light and enlightenment.
But further discernment will have wait.
A small victory.
Light shining from an artwork worked on in the dark.
Perhaps that is enough to allow sleep.