the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad yesterday…

alexander

When I woke up yesterday, I knew it was going to be one of those days.

It wasn’t a bad day because bad stuff happened although I did have to decide what kind of health insurance to sign up for as open enrollment ended today.

It was a “maybe I do belong in a psych ward” kind of day.

It was the kind of day which reminds me that I’ve got a problem.

I can call it depression or anxiety or whatever.

When a day like yesterday happens, it’s quite evident that there is a definite physical component to these terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.

There are other reasons for it including a not great childhood and miscellaneous other “traumas”.  There’s been therapy and meds and lengthy “good” stretches and not so great times.  Stress makes it worse and there’s been an abundant supply of that lately.

There are reasons and explanations and theories and things that help and things that don’t.

Basically, these days are a part of who I am…and I don’t say that lightly.

Most days I can do a pretty good impersonation of a normal, functioning adult.  And I can convince myself that it is truly who I am.

Sometimes I actually am a normal, functioning adult.

Some days, it’s just really a struggle.

Time and life experience (a polite way of saying getting older) have shown me that I’m not alone in this.  There’s a lot of crazy out there pretending to be okay.

 

Late last night as I was sitting in the front yard, I looked up and saw the moon nestled among the stars.

And I felt tiny and small compared to what I saw above me.

But suddenly, not alone at all.

I was looking at the stars and the moon

And they were looking at me.

And this is what I finished and hung on the wall the day before.

And I thought about how it wasn’t just me…alone.  I was a part of something larger and more complicated than I could possible understand.

But occasionally there might be serendipitous reminders that I should just hang in there and wait for a better day because there is always a better day….

often a tomorrow that became a today that left me wondering what the hell had happened yesterday!

So, in conclusion I’d like to think that yesterday can serve a purpose and that something good can come of it…

If you’re ever feeling lonely and alone and like nothing really matters,

just look at the moon.

Someone, somewhere is looking right at it too.

It could be me or any of a million other people.

You are not alone in this journey.

There are other people walking the same path facing similar struggles and pretending on most days that everything is just fine.

And some days it is just fine or okay or even fantastic.

Don’t give up on the person you are becoming.

 

Hard to Say

Will this be an interesting post or not?  It’s hard to say at this point.  I’m not sure that I should be attempting to write at all.  This has not been a particularly interesting day in any respect.  Not a bad day.  Not a good day.  Just kind of a day.

Of note, I’ve reconnected with a friend who is battling a cancer battle.  I’ve just kind of ignored the whole situation for a while.  We don’t live close to each other and our lives don’t intercept at all any more except in that weird world that is the internet or interweb or whatever we are calling it now.  Pretty much a mystery to me.

Anyhow, I’ve started reading her Caring Bridge posts and texted her a bit today.   Can we say too many times that cancer sucks and that chemo sucks even more?  I don’t think so.  Cancer sucks and chemo sucks even more.

Her post, in combination with my less than stellar performing digestive system, prompted me today to schedule all of the diagnostic screening exams that I have ignored forever…Pap Smear, colonoscopy, and mammogram.  Ugh.  Ignoring things doesn’t mean they go away.  Sigh.  I don’t know what is more stressful – wondering if something is wrong or scheduling a procedure that’s gonna be unpleasant.

We place so much faith in our bodies and take for granted that they will do what we need them to do when we need them to do it.

A close family member is dealing with the effects of aging and a body that’s performed a lifetime of good and hard service for the betterment of others.  It’s worn out – her body that is.  It’s hard to deal with…aging and illness that force us to learn to ask for help and rely on the help of others.

We’re not meant to live this life alone.  Life is too darn hard.  Why is it so hard to reveal our weaknesses and allow others to be our superheroes?  I don’t mind helping someone out when they need it and I certainly don’t think less of them.  Why is that not a reciprocal act for me – for most of us?

I got a wonderful package in the mail the other day.  A friend responded to my post about giving up Sonic tea runs and sent me a gift of all kinds of wonderful teas.  When I spoke with her she said, “I have tea and you need tea.  We need to be in community and share what we have with each other.  That’s how it should be.”

Amen.

I lift up my cup of tea…Here’s to stepping out of our comfort zone and reaching out to someone in our life (or a stranger) and offering a helping hand.  Let’s not wait to be asked.  Some of us will never ask for help because we don’t know how, don’t realize we need to, or are afraid of rejection based on past experiences.

Let’s share our stories, our skills, our resources, and our time with each other.  Let’s not be alone and lonely.

Lonely and alone

It’s quiet around here today.  I am home alone – but not lonely.  There’s a difference, ya’ know.

Hubby, youngest daughter and I tried a new church today.  I have a long and complicated history with church.  Long story short:  I used to and now I don’t.

I’m still a believer.  Just not an attendee – and not a believer in organized worship.  I’m not sure I ever will be again.  I don’t know.  My life and I have changed.  I do miss the community.  I don’t miss the scheduled worship (and meetings and busy-work).

My life seems more intentional now.  Worship is a moment, an observation, an experience – not an hour on Sunday morning.

Prayer is a continuous and ongoing conversation.

Service is a spontaneous reaction to circumstance and not planned.

The church service was strange.  I liked some things about it.  And I didn’t like a lot of things about it.  The worship environment was beautiful.  The message was good.  Worship was uncluttered and focused.

But it all seemed carefully planned.  And as I looked around the room, there was little diversity. Everyone looked happy.  The people in the seats didn’t look like the folks I spend my days with.  My husband and I were the oldest people in the room.  No one looked like they were worried about whether their next paycheck would be enough or if there would be another paycheck.  No one looked like they needed to be there.   Everything looked fine and good.  I’m sure they were perfectly nice people.   I’m sure that If I go back, I would enjoy getting to know some of them.

Maybe the timing wasn’t right.  Maybe it was just me.  Maybe my focus needs to remain where it is right now – on family, home, friends and self.

Will I go back and give it another try?  I don’t know.  I think I’ve reached an age and stage of life where appearances aren’t all that important.  I hope so anyway.  It’s what I’m striving for.  I want real.  I want tears and hugs.  I want fear and reassurance.  I want to know what the challenges are and to work to find solutions.  I want emotions and truth and sharing.  I want to be there for people who need me and I want someone to be there for me.  My life is messy and I want to be with people who are struggling just like I am.   I’m past trying to keep up a front and pretending like everything is just fine.  I grew up in that house and in that family – and everything wasn’t fine.

I felt lonely.

Except for two of my favorite people in the seats next to me, I felt like I was the only one in the room.

I enjoy being alone sometimes (maybe a lot).

I don’t like lonely.  It’s a big scary world out there…and sometimes right here, too.