I Am Enough

“I am enough!. I am full of sparkle and compassion. I genuinely want to make the world a better place. I love hard. I practice kindness. I’m not afraid of the truth. I am loyal, adventurous, supportive and surprising. I am a woman. I am enough. I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them. Sometimes I make lots of mistakes”   – Molly Mahar

I found this today while I was searching for a new quote for my next guerilla art card.  Haven’t heard about those?  Check out my other blog:  unearthedart.wordpress.com

I don’t know who Molly Mahar is, but someday I’ll look her up.  Right now, all I know is this quote was something I needed to hear.

Who is that voice inside my head that tells me I haven’t done enough?  That I can’t sit down to rest at the end of the day because I haven’t accomplished enough.

The voice that tells me my house should look better.  My car should be nicer and cleaned out.  My art doesn’t look right.  I should look younger or wear makeup.  That jeans aren’t okay everyday. And so on…

I think that the voice is a composite.  I hear my Mom in some of it (and I hear myself repeating some of it to my kids).  Some comes from media – advertisements, television, and movies.

The rest of the voice – I’m not so sure.

It sounds like me.

Should I tell myself to shut up?  I’m “crazy” enough without walking around talking to myself all the time!

Telling myself to shut up doesn’t seem very kind.  I think I need to be kinder to myself.  Maybe I just need to change the message.

“I am good enough”

The internet is fixed (obviously).  Here is the ugly painting from last night – it did reflect how I felt.IMAG0576

And now – a work in progress – just like me.  Perfectly imperfect.

IMAG0577

P.S.  The fridge and pantry are still clean and tidy!

The Next Day

A late night last night.  A restless night’s sleep.  A husband who had to be up at 5.  I am not a morning person unless the morning is starting around 9.

I still got a lot done.

I put my shoes on.IMAG0563

I took 11 boxes of paper and 9 bags of shredded paper to the recycling center.

I spent almost 2 hours balancing our checkbook and updating our budget program. It takes only a few minutes a day if I do it every day,  I hadn’t touched it in over a month.  I didn’t plan on ignoring it for so long…one day became two and so on.   I even sorted through a huge stack of unopened mail.  A classic case of ignoring a difficult problem until it becomes an enormous problem.

We sorted out some stuff. One more bag is ready to go to the thrift store.

I worked on my canvas.  I’m really trying to push some self-imposed boundaries. You’re lucky that I can’t  post a photo of it because my internet is screwing up.   I hate it.  It’s ugly.  And terrible.   I think it reflects how I feel.

I am tired and discouraged.  I’m overwhelmed and really having trouble looking on the bright side.

My problems are first world problems.  I am so much better off than most of the world.  My problems are nominal compared to what’s happening all over the world and in my own backyard.

This is depression and anxiety.  Even well-managed depression and anxiety.  Even when you take care of yourself and rest.

Sometimes the day just “goes bad”.  Sometimes there’s a reason.  Sometimes not.

You can’t see clearly. A part of you knows that it will work out.  The house will get cleaned.  The painting can be re-worked.  There is a glimmer of financial hope on the way.  It could certainly be worse.  Just follow the news.

But you still can’t see clearly.  Your focus turns inward of it’s own accord and all you can see is your sadness.

The difference between yesterday and today.  Night and Day.

But I have faith and I believe.  Tomorrow will be a new day

Juxtaposition

How great a word is juxtaposition and it actually works well for this post today.

…for today I am caught between two loves.  A juxtaposition of two meaningful aspects of my life.

I awoke this morning from a thought-provoking dream and am having a day filled with inspiration.

A veritable plethora of epiphanies.

Words are coming together in my head in an actual lucid and cohesive manner. Blogs and stories are practically writing themselves.  And some of it is actually pretty damn good (if I do say so myself).  I spent most of the morning driving so my kids are transcribing for me and e-mailing the stuff to me….they actually wrote “stuff” in the subject line.

I’ve also had several visual ideas for new art projects!  Just one of those beautiful, crazily creative days.  Yea!

And – my oldest daughter is moving back in today.  So…

the excitement...
the excitement…
the stuff...
the stuff…
and more stuff...
and more stuff…

Creativity and my family.  I love both.  Sometimes it is a challenge to balance them.  Sometimes it more about one than the other.

Family usually wins – as it should at this time in my life.

Today is a good, full and wonderful day.

As for tomorrow, I predict a very strong urge to de-clutter.

What happens when…

This is what happens when you wander into the studio at 11:32 on your way to bed – or what you thought was on your way to bed.

Canvas done (I think).

IMAG0367 (2)IMAG0368IMAG0369IMAG0370

I’m actually nervous about sharing this online with the world, but am bravely doing so anyway.  I’m not actively part of a local artist group and my artist friends are scattered about the world.  I’m going to consider you all a part of my creative community now.

Constructive criticism is most welcome.

I don’t normally include a note about what a piece means to me or what has inspired it…preferring people to be inspired by what a work means to them personally, but I’m going to make an exception in this case.

This week I have been in contact (directly and indirectly) with several folks who are traveling a difficult and challenging path.

This canvas evolved into their story.  Sometimes one can be so busy “running” that they lose track of whether they are running towards something or away from something.  The journey itself becomes all-consuming and their is no clear destination in sight.  This can result in an unnecessary struggle because with no goal or “end” hope can be difficult to hold onto.

It can be frustrating for those of us who are only peripherally a part of their journey to watch helplessly while they struggle and in some cases give up.  Our offers of support can seem inadequate.

When it comes right down to it, we each journey alone, even if we have a great support group – and so many don’t have that support or are unable to effectively connect to others.

So I did what artists do – I created it to the best of my ability.

…And am in awe that a canvas started many years ago developed into something that is relevant to the here and now.  I didn’t consciously set out to develop this theme.  It just sort of happened without plan or intention.

And such is my journey.

Three

Three things that I wanted to get done today other than “living in the needs of the day” (a.k.a. doing the stuff that needs to be done in order to live a relatively harmonious and chaos-free life).

1.

something/anything done on this canvas
work on this canvas a bit

2.

Put a coat of Kilz on the carpet-free living room floor
Put a coat of Kilz on the carpet-free living room floor

3.

Catch up on the laundry
Catch up on the laundry

Sigh.  Two out of three ain’t bad. The laundry will still be there tomorrow. Alas.