the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad yesterday…

alexander

When I woke up yesterday, I knew it was going to be one of those days.

It wasn’t a bad day because bad stuff happened although I did have to decide what kind of health insurance to sign up for as open enrollment ended today.

It was a “maybe I do belong in a psych ward” kind of day.

It was the kind of day which reminds me that I’ve got a problem.

I can call it depression or anxiety or whatever.

When a day like yesterday happens, it’s quite evident that there is a definite physical component to these terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days.

There are other reasons for it including a not great childhood and miscellaneous other “traumas”.  There’s been therapy and meds and lengthy “good” stretches and not so great times.  Stress makes it worse and there’s been an abundant supply of that lately.

There are reasons and explanations and theories and things that help and things that don’t.

Basically, these days are a part of who I am…and I don’t say that lightly.

Most days I can do a pretty good impersonation of a normal, functioning adult.  And I can convince myself that it is truly who I am.

Sometimes I actually am a normal, functioning adult.

Some days, it’s just really a struggle.

Time and life experience (a polite way of saying getting older) have shown me that I’m not alone in this.  There’s a lot of crazy out there pretending to be okay.

 

Late last night as I was sitting in the front yard, I looked up and saw the moon nestled among the stars.

And I felt tiny and small compared to what I saw above me.

But suddenly, not alone at all.

I was looking at the stars and the moon

And they were looking at me.

And this is what I finished and hung on the wall the day before.

And I thought about how it wasn’t just me…alone.  I was a part of something larger and more complicated than I could possible understand.

But occasionally there might be serendipitous reminders that I should just hang in there and wait for a better day because there is always a better day….

often a tomorrow that became a today that left me wondering what the hell had happened yesterday!

So, in conclusion I’d like to think that yesterday can serve a purpose and that something good can come of it…

If you’re ever feeling lonely and alone and like nothing really matters,

just look at the moon.

Someone, somewhere is looking right at it too.

It could be me or any of a million other people.

You are not alone in this journey.

There are other people walking the same path facing similar struggles and pretending on most days that everything is just fine.

And some days it is just fine or okay or even fantastic.

Don’t give up on the person you are becoming.

 

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I Am Enough

“I am enough!. I am full of sparkle and compassion. I genuinely want to make the world a better place. I love hard. I practice kindness. I’m not afraid of the truth. I am loyal, adventurous, supportive and surprising. I am a woman. I am enough. I make mistakes, but I own them and learn from them. Sometimes I make lots of mistakes”   – Molly Mahar

I found this today while I was searching for a new quote for my next guerilla art card.  Haven’t heard about those?  Check out my other blog:  unearthedart.wordpress.com

I don’t know who Molly Mahar is, but someday I’ll look her up.  Right now, all I know is this quote was something I needed to hear.

Who is that voice inside my head that tells me I haven’t done enough?  That I can’t sit down to rest at the end of the day because I haven’t accomplished enough.

The voice that tells me my house should look better.  My car should be nicer and cleaned out.  My art doesn’t look right.  I should look younger or wear makeup.  That jeans aren’t okay everyday. And so on…

I think that the voice is a composite.  I hear my Mom in some of it (and I hear myself repeating some of it to my kids).  Some comes from media – advertisements, television, and movies.

The rest of the voice – I’m not so sure.

It sounds like me.

Should I tell myself to shut up?  I’m “crazy” enough without walking around talking to myself all the time!

Telling myself to shut up doesn’t seem very kind.  I think I need to be kinder to myself.  Maybe I just need to change the message.

“I am good enough”

The internet is fixed (obviously).  Here is the ugly painting from last night – it did reflect how I felt.IMAG0576

And now – a work in progress – just like me.  Perfectly imperfect.

IMAG0577

P.S.  The fridge and pantry are still clean and tidy!