try again

Sigh…

So today I choose to begin again.

I was not “all healed” yesterday.

I didn’t get everything “right”.

I messed up – a lot.

This mindfulness stuff is hard.

Feeling the emotions without reacting to them doesn’t even really make sense – yet.

I will try again today.

And maybe I will do just a little bit better.

Maybe it will make a little more sense today.

I’m searching for that “aha” moment.

There’s so many feelings going on right now.

It’s a lot “out of control”

One day at a time unless that seems like too long…

I’ve typed up a “recovery daily checklist”.

Meditations, reading assignments, journaling, exercise, art time…

and (sigh) therapy today…

jon tyson – unsplash

Day 13

Post surgery…day 13.  I can’t believe it’s coming up on the middle of October.  It still seems like September to me.  Oh, the things I had planned to do this month.

But instead, I’m focusing on a part of my personal journey that I had chosen to ignore for far too long…my health.  I’ve known my weight and inactivity have been something that I needed to take on as a challenge, but ….

I’ve worked hard to appreciate that  I’m “me” no matter what I look like.  I would have chosen Cindy Crawford if I’d been given the option, but I missed that boat.  Learning to love me is about more than being okay with what I look like.  This is no longer about appearance, but about my health and my life.

Now, I’ve got no choice.  Sixty pounds is my goal, but this is not going to turn into a weight loss blog.  The weight is important, as is the exercise.  But, more importantly it’s part of taking care of myself and having an intentional life…a life that I make the choices in.

Today I’ve realized what a long-term challenge this is going to be. Yesterday, I took my first walk, piddled around the house and sat up working on an art project most of the day.  Today, I found out that I took on to much and really wore myself out.  It’s hard to realized how little control we have over our bodies and to confront the limitations we must face.   It’s easy to downplay the medical crisis and to “bravely” keep on going…”I’m fine.  I’m feeling much better.  I can do this.”  The brain says yes in it’s denial.  The body makes itself clearly heard.

Healthy food (who brought that donut into this house!), rest, short walks…small changes for a lifetime.  Throw in a little art, a lot of family and some spiritual growth.

It’s time to re-evaluate and re-balance again…and probably not for the last time.

Day 13 – healing.