Journal page #19…
It’s been so long since I wrote that I had to log back into WordPress
which means I had to find my login information
which meant rummaging through my desk
which is a huge, neglected mess.
I’ve spent the better part of late November and December sitting in my chair and ignoring most of my life.
I did the essential stuff (some of it).
Thanks to my family we decorated for and celebrated the holidays with success. I’ve just felt rather distant and disconnected.
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my life, but as my wise husband pointed out, “You can’t spend so much time thinking about life that you forget to live it.”
It has become evident during the last few months that this depression and accompanying anger is bigger than I am. I’ve made the decision to start up therapy again and attempt to deal with the emotions that I work so hard to ignore and deny. They are a part of who I am and many of the manifestations that I have been working so hard to deal with and overcome are residuals of my childhood. I can’t continue to just deal with the physical clutter without dealing with the emotional clutter also. And I can’t do it alone.
I’ve visited a church a couple of times in the past weeks. During the first visit the message could have been written directly for me. I both hate and love when that happens. Entitled the “Unexpected Christmas” it dealt with letting go of things and allowing time for grief and coping with the unexpected.
I guess that’s what I’ve been doing these past weeks…grieving the losses and the unexpected and the memories of the past.
It’s both the forgiveness and the letting go that I’m struggling with…both for others and myself.
A continual theme of any decluttering show or feature is that the hoarding and clutter started with a loss and the person got stuck. I now see that this is true for me also.
I’m a pretty insightful and resourceful person, and I’ve made progress.
And I hate to admit that I’m not strong enough or just plain “enough” to get through this.
But I’m going to ask for help and start seeking answers to the “real” problems and not just the side effects.
Every year I develop a saying that I use during the New Year to focus on my journey. This year will be the year of “Being Grateful and Letting Go”.
I plan on writing more about that tomorrow.
I plan on writing tomorrow.
This room does not reflect who I am…
Or maybe it does represent the “me of the moment”…
It might be more accurate to say that this room does not reflect who I want to be and who I am intentionally trying to become.
I am so frustrated (and angry) at my lack of sustainable progress towards living a simpler, clutter free life.
I claim to want to make more art and this is what my studio always looks like!
I am adding a fourth word to my new year “slogan”.
That word is “Redefine”.
I am going to rethink, reimagine, reflect on and then redefine my goals and the plan of action to get there.
I want to make more art.
What do I need to do to make that happen?
Today, I attacked the studio.
A box of stuff is going to the thrift store…crafting and art supplies that I have outgrown and that no longer fit my style. Leftover bits and pieces that were saved because I might be able to use them for something. Things given to me that “might be useful”.
We had a bonfire. Boxes of old art, old journal pages, letters, art cards, miscellaneous papers, leftovers, notes and so much much.
Those papers represent the past. Guilt, things undone, friendships that are no more, items that have lost their relevance to who I am becoming.
Towards the end of the clean-up, it became easier and harder.
Easier to let go of things…
Harder to deal with the emotions of the change.
I suspect there is more that could go.
I believe their are a lot more possibilities now than there were this morning.
I am excited by that notion.
I am drained and weary and a little afraid.
This is now…
I’m still here. And, believe it or not, I’ve been thinking about y’all a lot although I haven’t written.
I haven’t written here that is. I’ve composed many a blog in my head, but honestly haven’t been able to summon the energy to reach out into the world and share – thoughts, feelings or stories.
I’ve identified a new truth about myself and have been spending some time in reflection as a result. After a period of challenges and stress, I have a need to pull in my borders and become a bit of a recluse. In the past, I believe that I’ve resisted the tendency to do so because it was a sign of weakness. I don’t believe that to be the case anymore.
August and September were really hard. I’ve probably mentioned that more than once…
My sister was seriously ill…it is only just the last week or so that the full effects of her illness are being identified. A lot of the issues are resolving. Some will not. We are finding a new normal.
My daughter started private school which was a big transition from a relatively unschooling lifestyle. Time was in short supply and she didn’t get all the attention and support she deserved. She coped beautifully. I am so impressed with her. We struggled to cope with assignments and deadlines and hoped it would all become a comfortable routine – in other words, normal.
Our precarious financial situation deteriorated under the demands of everything that was going on. Tempers grew short as we all became overwhelmed. We were all stretched to the limit. We all longed for our old problems, our old life…what had been normal.
It is all too evident that once life has stretched beyond tolerable limits, it doesn’t rebound back into it’s normal proportions.
Things have changed and we can’t go back.
We can; however, seek solid ground and get our feet back underneath us. And that is what we have done.
I’ve allowed myself to pull back from outside commitments and concentrated on family and myself. The news has been switched off and I trust that the world will keep on spinning. There is only so much that I can do and to attempt to do more only results in anxiety, anger, frustration and hopelessness.
Our daughter is back home and we are instigating a learning plan that fits our needs. We learned a lot about what works for us, and what doesn’t as far as education goes. This week has been very good indeed.
The budget is back on the drawing board as we reassess our goals and the reality of what we can and can’t do to improve our financial situation.
The dreams and plans that we were so excited about at the beginning of the new year last January have been brought back out into the forefront. We’re evaluating and making adjustments in light of all that has transpired.
And, most importantly, we are resting and actively seeking joy. There was very little fun and laughter in the last two months. That must change.
I am exited about having identified my need to stop and rest and recover from hard times…to heal from the damaging results of stress. Forcing myself to continue on when I’m exhausted and anxious isn’t being brave and strong. It’s a huge mistake. It makes me miserable and when I’m miserable…the whole family is miserable.
It’s important to learn from the past, let go of regrets and move on into the future.
So, for now it’s rest and laughter and family as we become comfortable in our new normal.