want

The definition of want according to Merriam-Webster:

intransitive verb

1: to be needy or destitute

2: to have or feel need

3: to be necessary or needed

4: to desire to come, go, or be

transitive verb

1: to fail to possess especially in customary or required amount 

2a: to have a strong desire for b: to have an inclination to 

3a: to have need of  b: to suffer from the lack of

While thinking about this post, I found that I was using the word “want” a lot so I looked up the meaning. It’s a pretty big word to be only 4 letters.

Having the definition in front of me clarified my thinking about “want” versus “need”.

I am in Central Texas.

I want it to be warmer. It is 14 degrees right now…up from 0 when I woke up this morning…I feel a need.

I still have electricity and heat! So many of my neighbors, friends, family and fellow Texans do not and have not had electricity for hours and some for days…I am not needy.

We don’t have running water (by choice). We turned it off at the road to try and protect our plumbing (we live in a manufactured home and there is no way to protect pipes in single digit temperatures). We filled our tub and containers with water. It is inconvenient, but we have what we need.

Melting snow to flush toilets and water chickens

I have a strong desire to be done with this winter event and to bask in the sunshine…

to not have on 3 layers of clothing in the house…

to quit going out every two hours to provide my chickens with unfrozen water…

to share my heat with those who don’t have it…

I want this to be over and for the next storm to not be heading our way.

I am “failing to possess especially in customary amounts”. 

I “have a strong desire for” life to return to normal.

I do not actually “suffer from the lack of” anything right now.

We are doing ok.

It’s hard to believe that this is real life…

Peace…

Lost in Anxiety

Greetings fellow travelers,

Welcome to all the new followers.  I’m always a bit surprised (but grateful) when someone new chooses to “follow” me.  Be forewarned, I tend to wander and often get lost.  I guess that’s part of the adventure.

I did get lost this weekend metaphorically speaking.  It was a payday weekend and after I paid the bills there was so little left.  I know that’s a thing for a lot of folks and we are lucky that I made at least the minimum on everything.  My husband has a good job and I have a side gig that brings in a bit.

Still, as a I stood in line at the grocery store and watched the organic and healthy stuff ring up, I was consumed with doubt.  I could have spent significantly less by buying conventional produce and meat, and skipped the non-gmo goods and whole wheat stuff.  I stood there thinking that maybe it wasn’t worth it and I was just adding more stress to an already stressed budget.

As I talked it over with my husband later, he reminded me of the reasons we were making these changes and, ever the optimist, he reminded me that it always works out somehow.

That’s true.  We’ve never gone hungry and we’re not homeless.

The changes we are making aren’t easy, but with effort, some mistakes, and course corrections, we will figure it out.

The anxiety persisted through the weekend.  Once it starts, it’s hard to turn off.  It’s like some perpetual motion wheel powered by an anxiety hamster.  And, like a hamster, it runs loudest and fastest at night.

As I’ve tried to go to sleep each night, I start thinking of all the unfinished (and urgent) projects around here:  the failing floor in the hallway and laundry room, the collapsing deck, the not quite ready garden, the too-small chicken coop…all waiting for funding and time…

The lack of sleep only intensifies the issue.

Today, I have made a list of the projects and brainstormed plans and cheap solutions.  Some of the brainstorming is less practical than others.  I did find a you-tube video that shows how to make a perfect chicken tractor!  And it’s doable with some junk (resources) we have laying around here.

Detailing the problems on paper and finding solutions is much more helpful than worrying about them when I should be sleeping.

I refuse to let anxiety get the upper hand.  I may have to live with it, but I won’t let it win.

There will never be “enough” money for all the hopes and dreams that we have.  But there is enough for what we need.  The trick is discerning the needs vs. the wants and balancing it all out.

Accomplished today:

Most importantly, I’ve fed (homemade baby food), loved, rocked, talked to, and gotten to sleep for two naps the cutest grand-baby ever.

Got red beans and the Christmas ham-bone in the crock pot simmering for dinner.

Planted my echinacea seeds and have them out in the sun in the plastic storage box “greenhouse” while I dream of a real greenhouse someday.

Watered all the tomato, pepper, tomatillo, and herb seedlings I’ve managed to keep alive thus far.

Washed and dried two loads of laundry and decided that a clothes-line is definitely on the to-do list.

Turned my compost pile and shredded all of my newspaper and brown paper to mix into it.  I’m mowing the knee high grass in the dog yard and need to balance out all the grass clippings.  The compost pile is almost ready to tuck-in for “cooking”.  There’s another thing on the to-do list…another compost pile.

Small steps with optimism and a clear goal…anxiety be gone.  I’ve got a plan and I don’t have time for you.